Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Aging // Worrying
Let me first start this out by saying, I am a worrier. Like a for real, hard core worrier about lots of things. Now, my worry does increase certain weeks when my hormones are increased, for sure, I am a woman after all. But, I'm a fully admitted worrier. If you are new to this series, I talk about growing older and things that change as we spend more time here on this planet. These are just my views and no one elses. I also really let it all hang out and probably tell you more about myself that you probably need to know. Enjoy!
On the weeks where I am not hormonally crazy, I like to think of myself as a pretty even keeled person (Gray would probably disagree) but that is how I like to think of myself. I realized yesterday that the way or amount in which I worry about things has changed. Like I said, I still worry, but it's changed quite a bit. Being a single mom for so long and worrying about living pay check to pay check and everything else that comes with being a mom and on top of that, a mom with no partner to raise your child with, the slightest thing could throw me overboard. Even the talk or thought that something might be off in the slightest would send me into a panic and crying like a baby. I didn't know how to cope and even though you can see past another day, unlike your teenage years where every day is the only day of your life that will ever matter, you can't see past too many days to know it will be ok.
Yesterday as I saw my bank account dipping below the point of no return until my next pay day, the fear of which way the presidential election was going to swing (which had me very, very worried for months) and another day of being annoyed at the office wondering "Why am I still in this position?" I got in my car to go home, to my happy place. I had some nice little plans to get a good work out in, take some photos for a post on here and a giveaway on another blog, maybe even get a little crocheting done and have a glass of wine. I climb in leaving my day for whatever it was right there and my car won't stay on. It starts but is obviously not getting the gas it needs when it needs it for me to actually drive it. I mean, I can't even get it out of the parking spot.
Now, younger me would have reacted like this ::
"WHAT THE FUCK!!??" (Crying, lots of crying)
Call Gray : He says "Hey babe. . . babe. . . what's wrong?"
Me : (trying to get words out while I am crying "My. . . fucking car won't start!" Also in my head I'm thinking the end of the world, we only have one car, what the hell are we going to do!!??
Call My Dad and repeat what I say to Gray. Dad comes and gets me.
Me now ::
Call Gray : He says "Hey babe."
Me : Hey, my car won't stay on.
We do a little problem shooting and I tell him I'm going to call my dad to give me a ride home.
Dad picks me up, tells me we'll figure it one way or another and he'll give me a ride to work in the morning.
Cool. Cool. Cool.
I still go home and drink wine but do you see the difference here? The difference is, as I have gotten older I have realized that things are temporary, nothing is the end of the world and things always find a way of working themselves out. Guess what, cars break down, it happens. Cars can be fixed and life goes on. I am lucky and super thankful that I have an awesome family and amazing friends that I can call to help me out until it gets fixed.
I think when you are younger your scope of life is just a tiny little pin hole and you can't see much through there to see what else life is all about. As you get older, and older that opening becomes larger and larger allowing you to see more and worry less about what is to come. There is always going to be a shit storm on the horizon and I've learned to accept and expect that. Now when it comes I just do what I can to weather through it and come out intact on the other side. I know I will come out the other side, that all storms come to an end and there is always something so much better on the other side. Worrying about it makes it worse and doesn't help at all. It's a horrible thing to let in in any way shape or form. As I get older, I try and rid myself of it as much as possible. I still have a long way to go but age sure as hell is helping!
P.S. Don't forget to enter yourself to win a personalized embroidered initial necklace from The Merriweather Council here!