Hi you there, yes, you. I miss you. I do. More than I can express. I miss this space. I almost forgot what it looked like and I'm not even being dramatic, I really did. It feels like it's been a life time since I typed here. It feels like everything has changed but that nothing has all at the same time. It makes no sense and I know this. I miss so much though. That is the feeling I find myself wrapped up in lately. I think seasonal depression is tightening it's grip on me this year even though I am doing everything in my power to fight it besides going to the tanning bed. I might have to just give in to that though. Yes, that needs to happen. What a downer of any opening post, eh? Well, it's honest and that's all I can ever offer here.
I miss writing here, in this space to all of you. Sharing all the thoughts that swirl around consistently inside of my head. I miss actually having the motivation to sit down and type them all out. I miss pieces of me from long ago. I miss lives I've never lived and past ones I don't remember. I miss my brother and know it might be years before I see him again. I'm so unbelievably proud of him though. I miss my Nana, the way she used to always call me sweetheart. I miss my grandpa and his booming voice. I miss the desert and feeling it change my skin. I miss my dear friends there whom I haven't seen in almost 3 years at this point. I miss their babes I haven't been able to see grow up. I miss being able to walk to their house for dinner or our walks to get ice to escape and talk. I miss adventure. I miss being able to go out with my friends, let go and enjoy my evening without worrying about getting up at 5:30 a.m. It starts to wear on you and exhaust you in weird ways. I miss the mountains and the ocean. I miss a baby Logan, little enough to wrap up in my arms and feeling like I could protect him from anything and everything. I miss volunteering at the barn. I miss the kids, the horses and just being there. It was always my favorite part of the week. Being there just mellowed me in an amazing way. I miss those warm fuzzy feelings that the holidays used to give me as a child that I would do anything to feel again. The excitement, the wonder of it all. Going from house to house, surrounded by family, smells of dinner cooking and pies. All seems like a distant memory I hold especially dear now. I miss tending to my plants daily and adding new little ones to my little plant room. I miss taking photos so much, so so so so much. It's time to start pulling my "real" camera out again. I need to start capturing life again. I miss our old lake cottage. I miss traditions. I miss passion and the rush of so many things that I've learned are always fleeting in life. Some things just aren't made to stick around. Life can make you feel a fool at times. I feel like I've been in this weird haze for the past 8 weeks. Certain parts of me awoken, certain parts faded out. I miss me sometimes. . . Do you ever miss yourself? I feel like I tend to easily loose myself (which is 100% my fault) at times but finding me again, is always this weird intense process. Always growing, changing, moving forward, finding my way or trying to. This is life, right? Yes. This is how it is supposed to be.
Every time I take a break from this space I realize how easily influenced I can become by the internet world around me. That might sound pathetic, it probably is, but it is the truth. Sometimes it can become nothing but all consuming. When I take a step back every now and then, I gain a little piece of me back. I honestly don't think I ever would have chopped my hair, shaved the side and dyed it silver if I would have still been "in it". I would have questioned it, told myself that other mother's my age aren't doing that so I shouldn't either and would have worried too much about what other's would think. Breaks are good and refreshing. I think I might need mine to last a bit longer but hopefully taking the leap into actually hitting publish on this post I've been writing and rewriting for the past two weeks will bring back some of that motivation, reignite something in me again.
I realize this is a throwing up of randomness but if you have been reading here for awhile, I think you've come to expect that from me. Thank you so much to those of you still checking in. I love you. I miss you. I truly do!